The Hidden Work: How Everyday Experiences Build Exceptional Female Leaders
When we speak of leadership development, our minds often conjure images of corporate training programs, MBA classrooms, and executive coaching sessions. But for females especially, some of the most profound leadership training happens in spaces rarely recognized or celebrated: in our daily family lives, formal self-examination sessions, frank conversations with friends, and during moments of uncomfortable reflection.
As described in "The Bad Girls Club: Promises of a Spirituality Based Recovery," these moments of introspection can be transformative:
The Leadership Laboratory of Introspection
My own leadership journey began not in a boardroom, but in a therapist's office much like the one described in "The Bad Girls Club." In those sessions with Dr. Q, I found myself confronted with uncomfortable questions that challenged my 23-year old victim narrative: "You know you can make different choices. You aren't a victim at all, really, are you? You just want the easy way out: to blame everyone else."
This mirror of accountability became my first real leadership training. When Dr. Q asked, "Is that all?" after a surface-level response about feeling "pissed off," it revealed how limited my emotional vocabulary was—similar to how many women leaders initially struggle to articulate their experiences in professional settings.
This experience taught me more about leadership than any formal training I've received since.
Emotional vocabulary development: In "The Bad Girls Club," I revealed that "I didn't have the vocabulary to articulate my feelings." This mirrors how leaders must develop nuanced language to address complex organizational dynamics—recognizing when anger masks loneliness or when team frustration signals disconnection.
Shifting from blame to accountability: When confronted with the statement "You aren't a victim at all," I began to see how victimhood limited my choices. Similarly, effective leaders must move beyond blaming external circumstances to identify actionable solutions.
Embracing uncomfortable truths: The realization that the "pissed off" feeling was actually masking loneliness demonstrates how leadership requires confronting uncomfortable emotions rather than avoiding them—a crucial skill when navigating organizational challenges.
The Invisible Curriculum
What strikes me most about the passage from "The Bad Girls Club" is how these therapeutic confrontations rarely appear on resumes or in job interviews. We've created artificial boundaries between "personal growth" and "professional development" that particularly disadvantage women whose leadership journeys often begin in family settings, coaching, recovery, or therapy rooms, or through challenging personal revelations.
Consider these transformative scenarios from the book that serve as hidden leadership training:
Coaching: Partnering with a coach provides a holistic space for uncovering the stories we tell ourselves. When we examine our stories, our belief systems, and the relationship between them, our values, and our choices challenge what we believe is possible for ourselves, inviting us to step into an expansive experience of leadership.
Therapy and counseling: When confronting me with the statement "You're a victim," it created a pivotal moment of self-awareness—a skill essential for authentic leadership. These therapeutic encounters develop the emotional intelligence required to lead others through change.
Recovery programs: Recovery programs—ranging from medical recovery through physical therapy to drug and alcohol rehabilitation—advise that "all I have to do is the footwork, and the results will fall into place." This recovery wisdom mirrors effective delegation and a focus on process over outcomes which are crucial leadership mindsets.
Naming emotions accurately: Learning to distinguish between surface emotions ("pissed off") and deeper feelings (loneliness) mirrors how effective leaders must develop emotional granularity to address complex team dynamics.
These experiences develop resilience as we learn to persevere through challenges, adapt to changing circumstances, and recover from setbacks—all while maintaining our responsibilities to others who depend on us.
Reframing Our Leadership Narratives
The first step in recognizing the value of these experiences is to reframe our own stories. As shown in "The Bad Girls Club," transformation begins when we challenge our established narratives.
The woman who, like the author with Dr. Q, shifts from blaming others ("No one listens to me!") to identifying actionable solutions demonstrates the accountability essential for leadership.
The individual in recovery who learns to do the "footwork" and trust the process, as mentioned by the author's sponsor, develops the patience and persistence crucial for organizational transformation.
The person who expands their emotional vocabulary beyond simplistic reactions ("pissed off") to recognize underlying feelings (loneliness, sadness) builds the emotional intelligence required for nuanced leadership.
When we recognize these experiences as valuable leadership training, we can more confidently bring these skills into formal leadership roles.
Bringing Whole-Life Leadership into Organizational Settings
Organizations benefit tremendously when female leaders draw on these lived experiences.
Crisis management: Women who have managed family emergencies often excel at maintaining calm and clarity during organizational crises.
Conflict resolution: Navigating family dynamics prepares many women to address workplace conflicts with emotional intelligence and practical solutions.
Inclusive leadership: Building community across differences in neighborhoods and schools helps develop skills for creating inclusive workplace cultures.
Empathetic efficiency: Contrary to the false dichotomy that leaders must choose between empathy and efficiency, many women learn to combine compassion with pragmatic action through caregiving experiences–including the foundational work of caring for self before moving onto caring for others. “Oxygen mask on yourself, first.”
Redefining Leadership Development
As we reflect on leadership development, let's expand our understanding of where and how leadership skills are built:
Self-recognition: Acknowledge the leadership competencies you've developed through life experiences outside formal roles.
Storytelling: Articulate these experiences using leadership language when discussing your capabilities.
Lifting others: Create space for colleagues to share their own hidden leadership stories; validate and elevate these experiences.
Organizational change: Advocate for broader definitions of leadership experience in hiring and promotion processes.
The Path Forward
My own journey from family caregiver to formal leadership roles wasn't linear or traditional. The confidence to speak up in boardrooms came partly from years of advocating for family members in medical settings. The ability to navigate organizational politics drew on skills honed while building consensus among strong-willed relatives. The resilience to persevere through professional setbacks was strengthened by personal challenges that required me to adapt and continue.
By honoring these experiences—both our own and others'—we create more authentic, inclusive leadership cultures that recognize leadership isn't just built in training programs but in the messy, beautiful, challenging experiences of everyday life.
What hidden leadership experiences have shaped your approach? How might we better recognize and celebrate these formative moments in our leadership journeys?
*This post reflects my personal views on women's leadership development based on my experiences and observations. I encourage readers to share their own stories of hidden leadership development.*